I've been wanting to write an update for some time now. I just haven't quite had it in me to put words on paper. Once I write it down and share it with the world it's all just a little bit more real.
I am still struggling to find words to put on paper, but I feel it’s important to do just that. I need the record to look back on and I need to be honest with myself about where I am at. Moving into this holiday season has proven to be more emotional than I ever could have imagined. There is no doubt that God breaks you as you are going through the adoption process. Breaks you to draw you nearer to Him to grow you and prepare you. He is teaching me in every moment with every bit of my life to prepare me for this little one He's bringing to us. While I never would have asked for it, I believe He's using situations from my life to prepare me now. In March, I lost someone who meant the world to me. Someone who had always been there. My uncle was someone I shared a very special connection with. When we were together it was like no time had passed since the last time we were together. When I was with him it was safe and it was fun and it was joyous. I've never known grief like I'm experiencing it now. My heart aches at the thought of not hearing his laugh again in this world. My heart aches at not being able to hug him and tell old stories. I know he is in heaven and that one day I will be reunited with him, but that doesn't make the pain of him being ripped from this physical world any less hurtful. Greif is so heavy and in an instant, without warning, can change your day. Even though my uncle left many of us behind I feel so lonely in my grief. Adoption can be so heavy and, without warning, can change your day. Even though I seek council from other adoptive moms, I feel so lonely in my adoption process. There are many days that I truly can’t tell which one is bogging me down. All I can do is stop and try with all I have to refocus on God. Praising Him for anything to get my spirit in synch. Some days I start with praising Him for the clouds or a small flower in the grass. I know that both of these feelings will pass, but for now they are real and challenging. I remember the day that we told my uncle we are going to be adopting a little boy from Africa. He was so excited for us. He asked me how long it would be before he would come home and I told him it would be at least 2 years from that point. My uncle’s face went from joy to sadness as he thought forward. Our eyes met and we both knew he very well might not meet our son in this world. My heart broke then and it's breaking now. But I know that God can work all things for his glory and I know that every part of my life He is growing me to help me be the mother He designed me to be for my children. I'm grateful that it took 37 years before I was put in a situation where I would feel grief so deeply. I'm thankful that I was given someone that was so incredibly special to me that I can feel loss in him leaving us. Every day I struggle in the wait for our little one. I know it's God's plan. I can see reasons every day for why we are waiting. I can see things we've learned that are preparing us. I can see that God is working and weaving together a masterpiece, right now it doesn't look like anything more than a jumbled mess. But I know a piece of this tapestry He is weaving is my understanding deep grief and loss. Our little guy will have lost so much by the time he joins our family. Through this special man who meant so much to me, I will have a better understanding of what grief does to a person’s heart and physical well-being. I will have a window into my little guy’s world. While he won’t meet his great uncle in this lifetime, he will hear stories and they will share namesake. I know right now I am looking from behind the tapestry. God is leading and I am content to follow. When His timing is right, He will turn the tapestry around and I will see all the work He has been doing come together into a beautiful masterpiece, which only He could have created. This Thanksgiving and Christmas season I am sad and missing my Uncle and my son, but I am also full of gratitude. I am thankful for a husband who loves me unconditionally. A husband who sends me flowers just to make me smile. I am thankful for two children who are spending their formative years focused on making a difference in their world and loving a stranger on the other side of the world. I am thankful that God is growing them to be who He designed them to be. I am thankful to be surrounded by family and friends that lift me up and point me back to God when I feel lost and overwhelmed. I am thankful for a sweet boy in the heart of Africa that God is holding in His hands. I am thankful God is continuing to grow me and teach me even though it's hard and sometimes painful. Now for some real updates. Our immigration status expired at the end of November. We have applied for an update and our new registered date has been confirmed. We are waiting for our fingerprint appointments to arrive to finalize that process. Our immigration status is good for 18 months. I am praying we are done with updates. We continue to wait to be matched. November 6th, 2018 marked one year of our paperwork being registered in country. There is hope that the matching committee might meet one more time before the end of the year. Time will tell if that meeting occurs before the end of the year or not. We have just learned that Burundi has modified some of its requirements for adopting families. The main one is that they will now require families to spend 5 days in Burundi when they come to pick up their child. This is a great blessing in our waiting time. Dusty and I very much wanted to spend more time in Burundi getting to know the country and being able to share as much as we could with our little guy as he grew. We were going to have to go to bat and battle pretty hard with our agency to allow us to stay a few extra days before this change. Now God has taken care of that for us. We realize this might make it harder on all of you who are caring for our other children stateside while we're gone, but we feel it will be time well invested and learning and growing with our little one in and about his country. Thank you for your continued prayers. We covet those so very much. The waiting is really becoming hard for the children. We know God’s timing is perfect and we continue to put our faith and trust in Him. We will continue to praise Him in the wait.
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AuthorMy name is Deidra Miller. I have been married to my wonderful husband, Dusty, for 17 years. We have two biological children and our family is growing again. We prayed for 2,786 days and God answered our prayers. More days (almost 4 years) have been added as we wait for God's perfect plan for our family. We can't wait to meet our beautiful twin boys! Archives
October 2022
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